Diary 17 "Dear Diary," "Today in Ms. Gruwell's class, we played the ""Peanut Game""." The game involved describing a peanut's characteristics on one side of a piece of paper. "I wrote that it was ""small, round, and dirty.""" "On the other side, I noted that despite its appearance, it tasted fantastic!" We categorized all the peanuts based on their different exteriors. It dawned on me that the Peanut Game mirrored my own struggles with weight. "Back in junior high, one day as I got off the school bus from my usual back seat spot, I endured taunts like ""Hey, Fatso!"" and ""You big buffalo!"" from a group of obnoxious girls." Their hurtful words haunt me still. """Oh no, not again,"" I thought, bracing myself to face them as I stood to leave the bus." "Throughout the ride, I had tried to ignore their jeers." "Now that we were at my stop, I had no choice but to confront them." "As I walked down the crowded aisle, the girls closed in on me with hostility." Why did they target me? What had I done to deserve this? "Suddenly, they began kicking and hitting me relentlessly." "The pain was excruciating, but I felt powerless to defend myself." I didn't fight back. "Their assault continued until I finally managed to escape, stepping off the bus shaken and bruised." "I thought the worst was over, but as I walked away, they spat on me from the bus window." "The feeling of their spit on my face was disgusting, and the sound of their laughter echoed in my ears as they drove off." "Reflecting in Ms. Gruwell's class today, I realized that just like peanuts, people are judged by their outward appearance." "Ms. G's analogy, ""Don't judge a peanut by its shell. judge it by what's inside,"" struck a chord with me." "As long as I know my own worth as a human being, I won't let others' hurtful words define me." "In the end, we are all the same!"

Diary 25 "Dear Diary," Oh no! "School has just started, and I have to go to the hospital again, this time for sinus surgery." The doctors say Ill be out of school for a week or two. I hope they're right. "I often end up in the hospital due to Cystic Fibrosis(CF), a lung disease that has been a constant part of my life." My breathing is difficult. "I have coughing attacks every five to fifteen minutes, each lasting about five minutes." "These attacks make it hard to concentrate, and the lack of oxygen gives me migraines." "Weight gain is also a challenge because I struggle to digest food, requiring me to take pills and undergo breathing treatments." "If I miss these, I get severe stomachaches and often lose weight." "Ive been on the transplant list for over six months now, and I may only have a few years left unless I receive new lungs." "It's a tough and scary road ahead, but I believe I can make it through." "Ill really miss school, my friends, and especially Ms. G and her class." "Last year, when I was hospitalized, she brought a huge card that everyone in her class signed, and she even visited me at the hospital." "I don't know how many assignments Ill miss, but I hope there aren't too many." I really don't want to be out of school for more than two weeks because school is one of the few things I love doing.

"Dear Diary," """Four eyes,"" ""Blind as a bat,"" or, worse yet, ""Coke bottle"" were the mean comments I heard throughout my childhood." "I would come home from elementary and middle school in tears every day because my classmates, or even strangers, would harass me." I even begged my mother to let me change schools because people made fun of me so much. "Their ruthless comments shaped my personality and turned me into a shy, insecure, and quiet girl." I was always alone because I was afraid of making friends who might make fun of me behind my back. "Just recently, I was in my science class when I heard the girl next to me making rude comments about my bad eyesight." "I am very sensitive when it comes to my eyesight, and somehow she sensed it." "I tried to ignore her, but she started writing on my jacket." "I got up and said, ""You know what, I'm so tired of this.""" I couldn't believe I said that because I usually just brushed off what people said. "She said, ""Shut up, blind.""" "When I heard her call me that name, I lost it." I slapped her! It was as if she represented all the kids over the years who had made fun of me. All of the anger that had built up in my heart throughout my childhood years was released at that moment. I was so furious that I literally blacked out. My mind went blank. "My science teacher separated us, and I was shaking uncontrollably." I don't know what happened next. "When I told Ms. G about the fight, she told me about one of her students named Sharuad, who was teased because he had big lips." "She said she found a mean drawing of his lips, which made her lose her temper." "After yelling and screaming at the class, she said the incident woke her up and made her become a better teacher." "Maybe this incident could make me a better person, too."

"Dear Diary," A year has passed since two of my friends died. Everyone respected those two. They were the most loved cholos of the barrio. All I wanted was to impress them. "While I was in school one day, they were killed while trying to commit a robbery." "After this incident, I started to see life from a whole new perspective." I had been following the wrong path all along. Now my best friend and I are the oldest cholos in the barrio. It's pitiful that all the older guys are living behind bars. "As the weeks went by, I slowly changed my ways." I didn't want the younger ones to look up to me as a loser. "I had done so much to hurt my community, and now it was time to do something to help it." "Now the young ones are looking up to me as a role model, so I try my hardest to give a straight image of how things should be and make them see right from wrong." My neighbors adore me. "I have a warm feeling deep down inside, as if I am the ""chosen one"" in the barrio." But it hurts me to know that it took the lives of two dear friends for me to turn my life around. I guess it's never too late to change in life. "If I did it, others should be able to do it as well." It really all depends on how badly one wants to change. Im lucky to have another opportunity for a clean start. It's just too bad the two cholos were never given the same opportunity.

I feel as though chaos is stalking me, sliding its slimy tentacles into every crevice of my life. It has already conquered my home life; now it's trying to destroy the Freedom Writers, too. Every time I begin to get comfortable, someone goes and changes the rules on me. The whole reason I came to Wilson in the first place was to escape the uncontrolled environment I was raised in—if raising is what you call it. My mother's parenting capabilities consisted of, I'll give you twenty dollars and the keys to my car if you leave me alone this weekend. It wasn't that she was a bad mother; she was just tired of playing the role of mother, as she so bluntly told me one morning. How could she teach me to be responsible if she wasn't responsible herself?

Maybe it was her drinking; maybe it was her drugs; maybe it was me. All I know is that absolute and complete freedom gets old very fast. My mother was simply tired of raising me, so I raised myself. There would be times I wouldn't see my mom for days, even weeks. Sure, I always knew where she was, but that was never the same thing as having a real parent there. I missed the little things; curfews and rules were nonexistent. Whenever I asked her when I had to be home, would reply, By Monday, even if it was Friday. Imagine being fifteen years old and feeling as though your own mother never cared about you. I not only wanted guidance but needed it. After a while, I would give myself curfews so that people wouldn't know my mother was oblivious. It was hard raising yourself. If it was easy, then we wouldn't have parents. But we do, or most people do at least. I began to feel so alone. All my life it had been my mom and me, and now it was just me. I became very depressed, escaping reality any way I could. The Freedom Writers filled this huge hole I had by giving me a safe place where I always knew someone cared. We might not be able to be a class next year. Losing these people would be like losing a part of my family. I can't go through that again.

"For the past four years, we have been learning about tolerance and how you should accept everyone no matter what." "Well, acceptance isn't something that comes naturally to people when they have to deal with me." Many people don't accept me when they find out I'm a lesbian. "I realized I was a lesbian just recently when my best friend told me that she loved me, and I returned her love." It's funny to think about how dramatically your life can change in a very short time. "After coming to terms with who I am, I had so many questions." I was confused and scared. I didn't know what to do. What if people found out about us? "Would they still accept us, or would they turn their backs on us?" What would our close friends think when they found out? How would they treat us? Would we still be welcomed in our little social group? What will our families do when they find out? Will they stick by us? And what if the college we will be going to finds out? Would we be kicked out of school because of who we chose to be with? "After all, it is a religious school, and the bytaws say that homosexuality will not be tolerated." "After all these questions ran through my mind, I was even more scared and confused." "I couldn't answer half of them, and I already knew the answers to the other half but didn't want to face them." "This experience has led me to believe that the people who always say they are your friends no matter what, are really the first ones to leave." "When I told a few of my friends that I thought I could trust, they were the ones who had the biggest problems with me." They told me I was going to hell and that they didn't want anything to do with me. The few family members we told had no problem with our sexuality. The hard part will be when the time comes to tell our parents. "My mom has told me she would love me no matter what, but when it comes down to it, will she be like some of my friends and leave?"

Wow! I am an All American! Me? I can't believe it! I just got home from signing my letter of intent to play football at a Pac-10 school. A fullride scholarship to college! "Four years ago, I never would have pictured this." "Football was just something I did along with drinking, smoking, and drugs." School was something I tried not to do. "As I look at my life now, football is one of my top priorities, but just four years ago when I was a freshman, getting high was the only thing that mattered." "Since I was very young, maybe six or seven, I have wanted to be a football player." "But when new friends introduced me to drugs, I began to lose interest in football." I started drinking and smoking in the summer after sixth grade. I was twelve years old. My drug experimentation soon became out of control. "I started ditching school, stopped going to football practice, and dropped all my old friends." "My new friends were all into drugs, too, so it made it easier to get high."

This transformation took two years before full-on addiction. "By the time I had reached my freshman year in high school, I was smoking pot three to five times a day." "Besides smoking, I was drinking around the clock." Soon drinking and smoking weren't good enough. I needed a bigger and better high. I tried many uppers and downers. I tried everything that I could to get high. My mom and dad kept after me about my grades and stuff. They wouldn't just let me go my own way. "My mom found out about Ms. Gruwell, who was doing all these cool things with her English class." "Since my mom loves reading, she got me into the class in my junior year hoping that I would ""catch"" some of Ms. G's excitement." "Ms. G's class, a camp experience with my church, and my parents' continual encouragement helped me to see the mess I was making of my life." "I cannot believe that just a couple of years ago, that was my life." Not only was I screwing up my brain but also my relationship with my friends and family. My mind set was unbelievable. Now getting high is something I don't even think about. I would much rather be with my friends or be working out. I have been working hard in school and in the gym to be ready for football at the college level. I went from an F to the second highest A in all the chemistry classes in my senior year. "I know I have what it takes, and l am going to do my best to make my next goal, a college degree and an NFL career!"

"Oh my God, it's gone!" "I can't believe that my ""Someone Special"" gold charm has disappeared." I knew I had it on when I went to sleep. "At first, I panicked." Then I frantically searched through my covers and looked under the bed. "Finally, I realized that my parents took it." How could they just take it off my body like that? They promised me that they wouldn't steal from me again. "I forgave them for pawning my Nintendo, TV, and VCR." But how can I forgive them for stealing the most precious gift that they ever bought me? How could they steal something that meant so much to me? How could they steal from their own child? Nothing has been the same since my parents started smoking crack. "The house is always filled with the smell of stale, burnt cocaine." The odor is left behind in the pores of their skin. "So, when I go to give them a hug, the smell still lingers." I hate seeing their eyes all big and bulging. their bodies twitching like a fish out of water. "After watching them hit the pipe like there is no tomorrow, I know that they have a serious problem." Getting high is their daily routine. It is like they don't care if they have children or not. All they really care about is feeding their urge for drugs. "Because of their behavior, I sometimes starve."

There is never enough food. "I try to study and do my homework to keep my mind off the food shortage, but the sound of my stomach growling doesn't help." I'll go to watch I and all of a sudden the lights will cut off. "I'll go to find the power switch, but it's not the power; it's because my parents didn't pay the bill." "We are always behind on our car payments and rent, too." "I once brought a friend home after school, and there was an eviction notice on the door." I was the laughingstock of the neighborhood. "When I was younger, they would lock me up in the closet because they wanted to get high and beat up on each other." One day it got so bad that my father smashed my mother's head in between the couch and the wall. I became so used to being in the closet that I put snacks in there and a mini TV to watch. All I could hear on the other side was screaming and yelling. I felt as if there was a war between my parents and the drugs. "Of course, the drugs were winning." Being in the closet was my only escape. "I felt like Anne Frank in her attic, except the Nazis were roaming outside, and my parents were outside the closet door." "Even though the closet was my safe haven, I never felt completely comfortable inside it." I always wanted to be set free. I felt as if they would forget that I was in there. I can't believe it's a few days before my graduation and they're still taking drugs! They don't understand. When is it going to stop? My parents took more from me than they ever gave to me. It's like they had no conscience. "Unfortunately, there are people who are like my parents, who shamelessly take from others with no remorse, but I will break that cycle and be a giver." I realized that I am like Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree and my parents are stealing all my apples. Soon there will be nothing left for me to give. "I know that tomorrow they will do it again, getting high from my gold charm." "Now I see what is really special to them -the drugs, instead of me."